Few weeks ago Paterson Times announced that it will be doing an agony column, where Uncle Paul answers questions for Patersonians; this is our first such article.

Dear Uncle Paul,

I am a high school student. Sometimes when I am in the locker room changing some of the guys make make fun of the stretch mark on my back. They tease me too while playing in the gym. What should I do? I thought of fighting and beating one of them up so the others stop but I am not so big.

- Anon (Paterson, NJ)

Dear Anon,

You are very young so fixing this problem should be easy just apply some stretch mark cream. Yes it might be weird applying stretch mark cream that are often targeted towards pregnant women but no one will know if you don’t tell them. Depending on your size you could either try to lose or gain some weight if stretch marks are due to either of those factors. Obviously, you won’t be able to fix your problem overnight, but for the time being you can wear a light v-neck t-shirt to cover your stretch marks.

Dear Uncle Paul,

My family is super conservative, like they are very religious, how do I tell them that I am not straight?

Sincerely,
Howshouldicomeout (Haledon, NJ)

Dear Howshouldicomeout,

Knowing religious parents they’ll think you’ve been possessed by a demonic being. I suggest before telling them anything have all your bases covered. If you’re underage consider the fact they might disown you, so have a place to live. Tell them that you’re gay at a time when they are proud of you, preferably after college graduation when they have already paid for your college tuition and campus living expenses . Timing is key so don’t wait until they’re on their death beds to tell them. Explain to them that being gay doesn’t make you any less religious.

Dear Uncle Paul,

usually i put on make up every morning so few days ago my younger brother says that i do that because i suffer from insecurities. i didn’t know what to tell him. i did some google searches but couldnt find it. is he right?

- Makeup Insecurity (Paterson, NJ)

Dear Makeup Insecurity,

If you don’t believe you have an insecurity then you don’t have an insecurity. Make up can make a woman more confident and beautiful there is no shame in trying to look good. There’s no such thing as makeup insecurities not unless you’re going to sleep with makeup on then there might be a problem. Best thing is to be comfortable with your skin even if it takes a little bit of makeup to achieve that level; it should be fine as long as you’re in control of your confidence.

If you have questions that you would like Uncle Paul to answer on just about any subject send an email to paul(@)patersontimes.com